


What She Used To Feel

by MasterOfDisguise



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Cute, F/M, Fluff, Hits close to home, Not a Mary Sue, Resolution, Sad, Worry, depressed reader, happiness, hints at selfharm, not depressed anymore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-22
Updated: 2017-02-22
Packaged: 2018-09-26 07:39:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9873935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MasterOfDisguise/pseuds/MasterOfDisguise
Summary: Jumin Han thinks the world of his lovely wife. He didn't know she had troubles of her own, but when he found out it scared him.





	

**Author's Note:**

> AHHHHHHH I LOVE JUMIN

  It was impossible to admire another living creature as much as Jumin admired MC.

  Literally, this man would do anything for this woman, in a heartbeat. Give up all his wealth just for her to have one single good day? He'd do it.

  He'd do anything for her.

 

  He watched her as she buttoned up the white blouse she was wearing. She was wearing a black pencil skirt, similar to the ones Jaehee wears everyday.

  He watched as she fiddled with the buttons, takin her time and very *adorably* focused on the task.

  Jumin found her concentration so, so cute seeing as she was so focused on just buttoning a shirt.

  The way her tongue peeked out from between her little pink lips subconsciously, or the cute little frustrated noises she'd make when she's realized she'd buttoned it into the wrong hole.

  "Need some help, love?" He asked, and she continued trying for a few seconds before feeling defeated and sighing, causing him to smile and shake his head as he walked closer to his lover.

  He managed to button her up quicker than she'd gotten just the first two buttons done. When done, he looked into her eyes to see her staring up with damn near amazement. He felt his knees weaken when her eyes met his.

  Those eyes.

  Those beautiful eyes of his wife.

  They make him smile and flush and feel nervous and anxious and excited and....!

  All sorts of emotions flow through him when he looks into those eyes, but above all, adoration.

  He adores her.

 

  He cupped her cheek, and pressed a soft kiss to her forehead.

  "My dear, you're so beautiful. I want you to know that." He said, his voice quiet and soft. She smiled and rested her hand against her husbands on her cheek.

  
  "I love you, Jumin."

  Her words made his heart flutter, butterflies in his stomach. He closed his eyes and took in the scent of his love, forever wanting to be like this with her. Her and her beautiful self, everything about her. He loved it. From her head to her toes to her big heart to the cute jealousy she gets sometimes when other women get close with Jumin. He loves it. He loves her and her everything. She's the love of his life.

  "I will forever love you, MC."

 

  
  That's why, when he found out she had a past of not loving herself, his heart shattered.

  He'd found the notebook one evening while she was out. He was looking through some of her things to find pictures of the two together, to commemorate their first actual dates. It was dated just a year ago, right before their wedding. The note he'd found addressed to the RFA was enough to have him in a crumpled lost and confused pile.

  What really made him lose his bearings was the note addressed to him.

  'Dear my love, Jumin.

  If you're reading this, chances are I've given in and taken my life. I hope you never have to find this, I've just been battling my own demons for some time now and I don't know how much longer I can take it. I'm afraid of taking my life and not leaving you with something, so I've written this just in case i ever do take it.

  I've always suffered with depression. My family didn't really care for me if that says much. My siblings were always shown more love than I was I guess. I know it's something dumb to be upset over and have much passing effects of, but I was taught early on I didn't matter. Whether it was words or physical actions.... it doesn't matter.

I've always struggled with how I see myself. Their words always told me those stupid thoughts in my head were right.

  You, however, have taught me what it feels like to be loved. To be cared for. To be taught what it feels like to be adored and to mean something. Everyone in the RFA has... but you the most. I love you, but sometimes I don't feel like I'm worth it. I don't deserve this much love. You have a big heart, Jumin. The biggest heart of anyone I know. Regardless of what anyone says, you're the most caring person in the entire world. You put others before yourself. You're the sweetest and kindest person to walk this earth, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

I love you more than anything else, Jumin. I can't '

  And that's where it ended. Like she'd quit writing it because she'd realized it was a mistake to think this way or something.

  But what hurt Jumin, out of everything, is that she struggled with herself. Struggled more than he thought he ever had. She never once-- never once ever even tipped him off that she wasn't stable. She put up this facade that fooled everyone around her.

  She was a better actor than Zen by far.

  Jumin sat down on the bed, the notebook in hand. He shut it and stared out of the window. The love of his life was afraid of herself. She was broken. Afraid to ask for help. She put him before herself. She helped him and has always helped him when he was hurting... but she was hurt in far worse. Far worse than he could imagine.

  He knew about her family. She had a scar or two from broken bottles being thrown, but he didn't know it hurt her this much. He'd seen her stomach covered in odd scars but didn't ask about it. He assumed it was part of the wrong doing of those terrible people she called "family". She'd always told him it was nothing. That she didn't care and that her parents were just "a pair of dumbasses who don't know what it's like to love others."

  He'd always smile kiss her head, grateful she was able to look past it and look forwards.

  Except she wasn't able to. No, she was still hurting and didn't even tell him. She lied and didn't tell him that she was broken. She didn't tell him that she was hurting and didn't like herself because of what they'd said.

  The love of his life was so strong. Of course she was teetering-- he hopes not anymore, but she was, but was teetering everyday on the decision of taking her life or suffering through her thoughts another day.

  All while she still listened to him talk about his emotions and what made him upset, and stood by him and comforted him like it was something terrible while she went through THIS.

  Hot tears were streaming down his cheeks. He can't remember the last time he cried, no, he couldn't. He couldn't remember the last time he cried this hard. He chewed on the inside of his bottom lip.

  He'd been a terrible husband. All he'd ever done is tell her when he's sad, and not even once ask her if she was really okay like she said she is.

  He'd failed her.

  She may be fine right now, if she even was, but... he'd failed. He will never forgive himself for that.

  But he was hurt. Did she not want him to know? Did she not trust him?

 

 

 

  She was out right now- she was helping Yoosung move into an actual house. He didn't want her going because he was afraid of press following her around, but she'd manage to get there without anyone knowing.

  Jumin sat on the bed, staring off at the wall before him.

  He debated whether calling and having her sent home to talk, or letting it go like he'd never found a thing. Like he'd never went through her stuff at all and never found something that absolutely tore him up inside.

No.

He needed to talk with her.

He needed to make sure she was alright.

  
She'd be home in thirty minutes, so he tried to remain patient.

He debated having a glass of wine, but couldn't will himself to.

 

  "Babe? I'm home!" She called. He stiffened and sighed, wiping his eyes. He looked down into his lap where his hands rested.

  "Hello?" She called, walking to the bedroom.

  "Hey, babe, you're quiet. Everything okay?"

  "Is everything okay?" He asked her.

  She smiled and rolled her eyes.

  "Of course. I'm more worried about you. You seem upset."

  "You're lying to me." He said, and she scoffed.

  "Jumin, I am fine! You're not." She said, walking over to where he sat, his head down.

That's when he looked up at her.

His eyes were red, wet from tears.

Under his eyes were puffy, and the sight broke her.

She looked over to the nightstand and saw the notebook.

  "You found it."

  "You're damn right I did." He muttered, eyes turning away from hers.

  "I'm sorry..." she whispered.

  "Why are you sorry? You've been hurting. You've been hurting and I've only cared about myself, pouring my everything out to you while you were much worse. I've failed you, MC. I've failed you." Jumin said, his normally quiet voice raised. "I've failed you..." he said, voice cracking.

  She wrapped her arms around him, the two of them crying as she held him. She repeated how sorry she was as she cried into him. After a while, he regained some of his composure and stood up next to her.

  "No. Are you really okay?" He asked, and she softly smiled.

  "I am, I promise."

  "Are you really okay, MC? Don't lie to me."

  "I'm fine, Jumin. I promise you that. I've been alright for some time now. Ever since we've gotten married I've been happy. I haven't felt that way for sometime. I mean, sometimes I do get a little self conscious, but doesn't everyone?" She asked, and he nodded. He smiled softly, and pressed a kiss to her temple, wrapping his arms around her.

  "I love you. I love you so much. Please, MC, do not leave me. Please do not loathe yourself. I love you enough for the both of us and more. I love you."

  "And... you didn't fail me. If anything, I failed you. You didn't know I felt that  way because I didn't tell you. It's not your fault."  She said, and he sighed.

  "I wish you were more comfortable around me to tell me such things before I find out the way I did."

  "I am comfortable around you, Jumin. I just... I didn't want you to worry about me. I know you were unstable for some time and that's why I didn't want you to know. You made me better and I didn't really think things like that anymore so I didn't worry about telling you. I thought you'd be better off not knowing." She said, and his head lowered once again.

  "You said... in the note... that I have the biggest heart of anyone in the world. You were wrong, MC. Very wrong. To care so much for others when you are in so much pain and have endured so much mental anguish... you have the biggest heart, my love. You belong in the RFA more than anyone else." His words spilled from his lips. He slipped his suit jacket off onto the bed, and stood up and grasped her face between both of his hands. His lips met hers and they kissed. He kissed her softly and passionately.

  He pulled away and looked into those eyes.

  Those eyes of hers.

  Those beautiful, beautiful eyes.

  Those eyes that make him weak.

  Those eyes that make him more head over heels for her everyday.

 

 

  
  Jumin couldn't shake the thoughts of her taking her life. All evening he was clung to her, practically, watching her like a hawk to make sure she didn't go near the medicine cabinet. He knew she said she was okay- but he couldn't believe her.

  He couldn't at all.

  He was trying so hard. Trying so hard to believe that she wasn't going to do anything and wasn't going to hurt herself. No, he needed to trust her. He needed to believe she wouldn't.

  He's always been able to trust her, all of his faith has forever been instilled in her.

  He didn't trust anyone the way he trusted her, no, but when it comes to this.... he doesn't know if he can.

 

  "Jumin? Babe? Please, I'm trying to go pee. I love you but can I please pee alone?" She begged, him standing in the bathroom doorway.

  "I... MC...." he said, still afraid of letting her go alone. There is razors in there. He's heard they've been used to inflict harm and to end ones life many times.

  "I am literally just going pee. I promise." She said, and he sighed, reluctantly backing away.

 

  
  
  "A therapist? No, Jumin, I am fine. I don't need a therapist."

  "I've read that often times people say they're fine when they really are not. It's very common amongst depressed people--"

  "Jumin, I swear to God, I'm fine. I've told you this a hundred times this hour alone. I'm fine. I know you're worried, but I. Am. Fine." She said, putting her foot down.

  "Promise me something. Promise me if you feel this way you will see someone to get help."

  "I promise, Jumin, but I'm happy with you so I probably will never need anyone to help as long as we are together."

  "We are never separating."

  "Which means, I'll be happy the rest of my life." She said, and he pulled her into his arms. She relaxed against him.

  "You're so sweet to be so worried about me."

  "My love, you know I'd do anything for you." He said, pressing a kiss to the top of her head.

**Author's Note:**

> Please tell me what you think and how I write Jumin! Would I be able to write a full Jumin fix correctly?


End file.
